Deadly "Bang"

It’s another dark, cold, and quiet night. I’m comfortably tucked away in my rusted old sanctuary. I haven’t been of any use since my arrival, but from the menacing words that echoed off of the peeling dry walls the other night, I presume that my much needed leverage of security will be in dire need pretty soon. I hear footsteps as the screeching sound of worn out heels draw closer and begins to give me an unnerving suspicion. Oh boy! Here comes that loud voice of dreaded distress again. But wait, there’s another unfamiliar voice. It’s masculine with a deep monotone that sounds off as being livid and ready to cut this squabble short.

“ Hey up there! Can you please pipe down! I’m trying to get some much needed rest in here”

I think they heard me because the room becomes silent followed by a loud “thump” which sends a gentle vibration across the wood boards underneath me. I hear her cry sharply as my place of peace begins to violently budge. Suddenly, I’m blinded by this intense light. Fresh air! Haven’t smelled such a scent since I’ve been locked away in here. Wait…what is this red substance dripping down on me?

“Come on now! I don’t have time for this. I’m aggravated and the sextuplets that have been implanted in me gives me constant discomfort so could you just wipe me off and shut the door.”

I surmise my cries weren’t heard this time. I’m unexpectedly lifted and the light has strongly illuminated my dusky ambiance. Now I’m drawn against the face that tones the masculine voice. He seems to be unmoved. It’s evident by the condescending smirk that’s smeared across his face.

“Hey! That’s my breast you’re fondling with missy”

My breast is squeezed tightly as I go into an abrupt contraction. Out comes my first born, Hollow. He aims for and penetrates the forehead of this anonymous enemy and instantly wipes that annoying smirk from his mug. There’s another loud “thump” as he hit’s the floor. The same red substance that’s smeared all over me is now pouring out profusely from his head. There’s another loud “thump” as I hit the floor which immediately delivers my second born, Point. I’m slipping into unconsciousness. She dials three numbers then softly whimpers

“ He’s here. Come quick.”

I assume she’s safe now. My job here is done.

Women As Verbal Abusers

Needless to say, gender does not determine whether a person is verbally abusive. It does, however, affect the possibility and the style of abuse that may occur. Since the female stereotype dictates girls and women should be nice, good, pleasant, polite, passive, and conforming, it takes a rebellious girl or woman to become an abusive one. She must rebel against the norm and, unlike boys or men who are expected to use anger to hide what is considered any sign of weakness, such as fear, hurt, disappointment or sadness, girls and women are supposed to express these feelings with vulnerability and hide their anger.

A verbally abusive woman, therefore, is a bold woman who has dared to rebel. How unfortunate that the rebellion tends to take an abusive path. Women need to rebel against the limitation and oppression of the stereotype, they need to dare express anger as anger, but the last thing they need is to become abusive. Yet, very often those women who have the fire to rebel have also had the misfortune of having abuse and violence to rebel against. This is a formula for becoming an abuser as well. Knowing only the pattern of attack or counterattack, rebellious abused women learn the lesson of destroy or be destroyed. Having rejected the role of victim, they frequently take the only other role available in this destructive duel, that of victimizer. Since they are often not the physically strongest opponent, the weapon of choice of abusive women is usually verbal assault, and they often become skilled slashers and crushers of spirits.

Daughters are a major target of abusive women. The anger and resentment that abused women carry in their hearts provide the fuel for directing those feelings at themselves and at their daughters. As women, they are putting themselves at the least risk by targeting their daughters because daughters are the most vulnerable. And as women, it is the most natural outcome of abuse, to be angry at and abuse ourselves for not being able to make others love us enough to treat us well instead of abuse us.

When the question is raised, are women masochistic, I reply vehemently that we were not born masochistic, but we are taught to face in that direction. The trap of the gender stereotype that teaches us to believe that if we are good enough and nice enough, everyone will like us and often even love us, also teaches that if we are mistreated and abused it's our fault because we didn't do it right. Abuse of women is justified by the belief they failed the test of goodness and niceness. It is her fault, somehow, and she is blamed and, in turn, blames herself. If she were only more patient, more giving, more loving, more tolerant, she would be more desired and loved. Masochism is the natural outgrowth of this genderized legitimization of abuse. It, of course, spills over onto daughters of abused women. It is their lot. They represent the failure and the threat.

It is not surprising, therefore, that in some cases, the threat of a daughter is even more damning to a woman than her own perceived failures. If a daughter is prettier, smarter, marries better, is treated better, and, God forbid, is happier, and seen as successful, she represents everything an abused and/or abusive mother wants for herself but feels she can never have. This daughter is, of course, envied and often seen as deserving of anger and abuse. If she fails and is abused by her husband or herself, then she is, of course, deserving of punishment until she changes. The cycle of women as the abused and the abuser is a very painful and tragic one, that goes on basically unnoticed and unattended. Unless physical harm results, psychological battering of and by girls and women is tolerated and often condoned. Sarcasm and ridicule are seen as a natural part of their relationships. Cutting remarks and cruel put-downs are excused, and crushed self- images and bleeding spirits do not count as punishable crimes. There is no public outcry. It's just the way life is. Pretend it doesn't hurt, pretend you don't feel, pretend you didn't see or hear it. Pretend you didn't mean it. Pretend, pretend, pretend.

The acceptance of verbal abuse depends entirely on pretense and self-deception. The corruption of lies and denial is the key to any abuse, but especially of verbal abuse. The only way out of this destructive pattern and the violence it condones, is integrity. Our liberation begins and ends with truth, with integrity. Our oppression is built on lies.

To be liberated:

•We cannot pretend we have the right to verbally abuse ourselves or each other.
•We cannot pretend we are justified when we are abusive.
•We cannot pretend we aren't angry, hurt, humiliated or devastated when we are abused.
•We cannot pretend we are justified when we retaliate.
•We cannot pretend we don't care.
•We cannot pretend we can't help it.
•We cannot pretend we don't see what's going on and what's happening.
•We cannot pretend we are powerless.
•We cannot pretend it doesn't matter.
•We cannot pretend it's all right to pretend.
If we are to be liberated we cannot pretend.
The first step, therefore, in freeing ourselves is to stop pretending. Whether we are the abused or the abuser we must stop any and all pretending. Our protection is the truth. We must let in the truth and acknowledge our use of pretense as a way of escaping the harsh reality. As this is happening, we must protect ourselves from using the clarity as a weapon, and abusing ourselves for having been a pretender. Liberation must be free of all violence and abuse. Judging and blaming must be transformed into self-reflection and accountability.

This is, of course, where the problem lies. It is easier said than done. A woman who is used to reacting by violating either herself or others, is out of control. She is not reflective, fair and accountable, and to make that shift she must make Herculean effort. To stop herself before she reacts means catching herself while her automatic reaction has taken over, and there seems to be no space or time for reflection. The only way this can occur is by a dramatic intervention within her pre-programmed system. She must place herself on "alert" and every time an assaultive reaction is triggered she must step in front of it and stop it, even if she's in mid- sentence. Only a strong confrontation of herself at that point will stop the verbal abuse and only a willing reactor can be stopped. Rather than a duel, there needs to be a truce, and then the reflective one and the reactive one have to agree on what's fair to say and what has integrity. For this to transpire, she must find the courage to face down the out of control reactor/abuser, she must be committed to the integrity of accountability and fairness, she must marshall the discipline it will take to stop herself from automatically reacting, and finally, she must use her brains to process complex information coming from within herself and from others.

We are not masochistic by nature, but we can learn masochism from the stereotypic lessons on genderized power that we are taught. Women who are verbally abusive of others are first and foremost abusive to themselves. Just as we learned these lessons, however, we can unlearn them, and any woman who is verbally abusive to herself and to others can liberate herself from this destructive pattern. It will take courage, commitment, discipline and brains, but it is not only possible to stop this destructive pattern, it is the greatest accomplishment and most valuable gift you can ever achieve and receive. The best part of this gift is that it is within our power to attain and it doesn't depend on others. Needless to say, it is much easier with the loving support of others, but even if some try to sabotage your efforts, they can never stop them. Only you can stop abusing yourself and others. Psychological liberation is in our own hands, so join a support group, get into therapy, and go for it as if your life depended on it. It does!

© 2000 Michele Toomey, PhD

Awesome Authors Questionnaire

If you have a Twitter, what is your username? If you do not have a Twitter, do I have your permission to tweet about you as an #AwesomeAuthor?

*My username on twitter is @AuthorFirstLady

What genre do you typically write? Are there other genres you would like to branch out into?

*My first two novels fall within the creative nonfiction genre. I plan to eventually branch out into fiction.

If you are already published, what books do you consider to be your “best” works so far?

*Not yet published

If you are not yet published, what book are you hoping to be your first work published and why?

*My first book to be published is ~D.I.V.A.~ Domestically Involved In Violent Affairs. This storyline behind this novel is based on men that are verbally and physically abused by women that experienced family violence in their adolescent years. This is a hushed taboo subject that should be fairly addressed. My goal is to change the way men/women in relationships love each other.

What are you currently working on?

*I'm currently working on my first novel based on a true story, ~D.I.V.A.~ Domestically Involved In Violent Affairs.

What is your favorite part of writing? Least favorite part?

*My favorite part of writing is the mental escape I experience. Its like a mental getaway in which I can become who I want,whenever I want, while living out my fantasies. My least favorite part of writing is stumbling across writers block in the middle of a mass word mental flow.

What is most rewarding thing you have found from writing?

* "I write to discover what I think. I write to calm my anguish nerves. I write to see the inner peace within me. I write. It's my therapy" Author Tiffanie Minnis.

How did you come to be an author/writer?

*I've been writing music since my junior year in high school. I was and am really good at it. I've done a few ghost writing projects for friends of mine that are in the music business. I recently transitioned over to the literary side because it allows to be much more creative while sharing a different poetic side of me.

What genre(s) do you like to read?

*Fiction, Poetry and Self-Help books

Have any authors influenced you over the years?

*Definitley! Maya Angelou and Napoleon Hill

Who are some of your favorite authors?

*Maya Angelou, Napoleon Hill, Zane, James Allen, Mary Monroe... The list goes on but I will say that these are my top authors.

If there was only one book you could suggest for someone to read, what book would that be and why?

*Only one???? Okay, that's a tough one but it would definitely have to be Napoleon Hill: Think and Grow Rich. It's a great read that teaches us, if applied, how to repeatedly tap into our "Infinite Intelligence" by using positive thoughts to attract wealth and happiness.

Tell us something random about yourself…

*I love Thai food and bananas in my Frosted Flakes ;-)

Is there anything else that people should know about you and/or your writing?

*I love to think outside the box and write about things that triggers a dense shock treatment. Writing, for me, is about getting people to positively change the way they think and introducing them to the unknown through words. Blessings!

Author Tiffanie Minnis

Novel Introduction to ~D.I.V.A.~

My name is Michaela Davis and I am an domestic abuser. I was born in the October Fall of 1979 and raised in Miami, Florida by my mother and Granny. I had a really fucked up life growing up as a child and if I don’t take the time out to write about the shit, I think I just may lose my damn mind and really hurt someone. This story is about my life growing up as a child into my adult years dealing with trying to mask the invisible pain that ultimately transpired into me taking it out on my loved ones. I’m a professional in Corporate America. I have a really good job working for one of the best doctors in Atlanta and I have a Masters degree in Management. I always keep a pleasant smile on my face and I have a sweet personality outside of home. But behind those closed doors, I am considered a Terrorist. I terrorize, verbally abuse and pour salt on open wounds of the men that enter my life. I detest everything about a man. The way he strides, smell, speak with a mouth full of ass smelling lies and the way they fuck. I only deal with them to break their souls the same way mine was broken. Is it retaliation? Yeah, you can say that. Do I like women you ask? Hell No!! I can’t stand their asses either. I stay far away from those adulteress whores that sleep around for money and end up with a panty crouch full of oozing green discharge, or should I say cum. I’m in this big world all alone because I trust no one. I don’t have respect for men because they do not respect themselves. So I pull them in by giving my best academy award winning smile and once they start to play with my fire, that’s when I go in with a scorching burn! I know I know, I sound evil and you probably wish you could just reach out and shake me like the baby shaking syndrome but do I care: Not one bit. My therapist would be so disappointed by what I am saying because I’m suppose to be in remission of this terrible disease I have, but this is a big part of me. Just say I was the good apple surrounded by a spoil bunch that eventually corrupted my core. Those therapy sessions help a little though. I’m starting to see the good in some people but I have yet to find the good in me. So until that good emerges, I feel sorry for the suckers that cross my path. Enough about me. You’ll get to know me a little better as you glance through my past and present process of my developed character. I warn you to not be alarmed. This is my story.

Copyright © 2010 by Tiffanie Minnis All Rights Reserved

3am Domestic Dispute

Its 3am on 4/20/2010. I'm awakened by the sounds of loud yelling, screaming and vulgar language. The next thing I hear is a loud noise in front of my door in the hallway thats leads out into the street. A couple that lives upstairs from me are feuding while Im wondering where are thier two small children. To my surprise, the woman was the antagonizing aggressor. A woman should not be chasing her boyfriend down the street yelling obscene language at him at 3am talking about shes going to strip naked, shoot him, herself and the babies... Makes u really wonder who really contributes more to domestic violence...this example is the baseline for D.I.V.A.-- Domestically Involved in Violent Affairs. Stay tuned!

Who is your favorite author and why?

Today I posed the question, Who is your favorite author and why? Many mentioned Erick Jerome Dickey, Mary Monroe, Wahida Clark, Zane, Maya Angelou, Nikki Turner and many more. The reasons ranged from inspiration, quality entertainment, spoken words can be tasted, master of imagery...etc. We all face difficulties in our daily lives. Many of us are avid readers for so many reasons. We can connect with many characters, become someone else, and live out our fantasies all from reading a good book. First, we connect deeply with certain authors that are able to fulfil desires within us. We then follow them and support every book that they publish because we know that a different need will be meant through a good read. After a survey, I must say that Maya Angelou is one of those many authors that everyone can connect with through her poetry on many levels. Also, knowing why we love certain authors and the reasons why helps us to discover what it is that we love about ourselves or what fascinates us in not so normal ways. So who is your favorite author? Why?

Back on the Scene

Ok so the blogging has been quite dormant for a few months but I'm back on top of it. The novel has turned out pretty well and I'm meeting really good people as I move forward in my writing journey. I have about 3 more chapters left until the novel is finally completed. I created a FaceBook fan page which includes excerpts from the novel along with cool quotes and daily resourceful updates for those with many interest. The link to the fan page can be found to the right of this blog. You can also follow me on twitter @AuthorFirstLady where I tweet inspirational quotes and resourceful links in the writing and reading genres daily.Everything has been coming together very well since my last blog post and I owe it all to The Most High *wink*